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Posted by Kate XXXXXX on September 22, 2009, 5:14 am
Anne Rogers wrote:
show/hide quoted text
> I know you guys want to know how I'm doing and now seems to be a good
> time to update.
>
> Fortunately after my really low mood of last Monday and Tuesday, things
> have started to look up a bit, my mood is more stable, though I continue
> to exhibit symptoms of depression.
You will. These things are a bit cyclical. What you are aiming for is
gentle sine waves, rather than manic scribble with knots in!
show/hide quoted text
>
> My MIL arrived safely and though I could really do with her having a bit
> more initiative, it has been helpful, though it does seem to end up with
> her having fun with the kids, whilst I do chores! At least it makes it a
> lot easier to get to appointments, of which there are many!
Every little helps. Maybe you could ask her to swap roles for a while,
so you can reconnect with the kids. The lack of initialive could be her
simply not wanting to tread on your toes, and not knowing how to do
things 'your way'. When helping out like this, I tend to ask: Is there
any specific way you want this done, or will I just get on with it? And
don't treat her as a guest. In my family and circle of friends, it has
become the unwritten law that whoever cooks does NOT clear up, kids help
load the dishwasher and prepare veggies (and now cook whole meals on
equal terms with the rest of us, as my GMNT is about the youngest at
almost 15), drag hoovers round, empty bins, whatever. Yours are a bit
young for this, but I'm sure they'd love to 'help' grandam do some
things. My Goddaughter helped make salad when she was three, for example.
show/hide quoted text
>
> I've been trying to do some reading and I hope as I get through that
> I'll have a clearer vision about what is depression and what isn't.
> There is some really painful stuff in my past that I've hidden not dealt
> with.
>
> The friend that I'd been having trouble with seemed to experience a real
> change during church yesterday, she was crying through worship and her
> husband was comforting her, I was in turmoil, was something I was
> currently doing causing it, or was I being self centered thinking it was
> something to do with me, anyway as the kids left for their program, she
> turned and hugged me really tight, whether it was something else and she
> decided she needed my comfort, or whether she was upset for me I don't
> know, but it's definitely a change as she later asked me to meet up for
> a coffee this week, we did that this morning and she's obviously been
> thinking a lot about me and is desparately concerned for me spiritually.
Sounds like she is having some isuues herself, and was just tactless in
her lack of understanding. Both of you move on, gently.
show/hide quoted text
>
> It was hard to hear her say that she thinks I've been in a pit for a
> long time. I just started reading "Get Out of that Pit" by Beth Moore
> and was coming to the opposite conclusion, which is why I need a friend
> like her to point out things she knows about my past. Because we moved
> from the UK to the US a little under 3 years ago, her family are the
> only people that have known us any longer than that as rather randomly
> they lived in the UK (they are American) and then moved to the same area
> as we did, but for different reasons.
She's been watching you sink for longer than you have known about it.
This is fairly common. And hard to know what to do and at what point.
show/hide quoted text
>
> It's still going to be a long road ahead, figuring out what is
> spiritual, what is depression and what is my past and what not. But I
> feel in a much better place to be dealing with that now than even last
> week. Though I'd find it even better if I weren't so exhausted.
That comes with the depression. As that lifts, so does the exhaustion.
Partly because you sleep better.
show/hide quoted text
>
> My parents continue to ignore that anything is happening, and
> unfortunately I discovered last week that some of their treatment of me
> whilst growing up can't just be dismissed as a style of parenting, but a
> type of neglect verging on abuse, now I realise that, I can see how it
> has effected my sister too and I have to figure out how to forgive them
> and to continue forgiving them.
Leave that on one side for the moment and deal with the stuff you CAN
deal with.
Take every positive thing as a gain, and take a look at the negatives in
as detatched a manner as possible. Most loom larger than they really are.
My fingers are crossed that you have found a corner and turned.
--
Kate XXXXXX R.C.T.Q Madame Chef des Trolls
Lady Catherine, Wardrobe Mistress of the Chocolate Buttons
http://www.katedicey.co.uk
Click on Kate's Pages and explore!
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Posted by Maureen Wozniak on September 22, 2009, 8:58 am
On Mon, 21 Sep 2009 20:14:53 -0500, Anne Rogers wrote
show/hide quoted text
> I know you guys want to know how I'm doing and now seems to be a good
> time to update.
>
> Fortunately after my really low mood of last Monday and Tuesday, things
> have started to look up a bit, my mood is more stable, though I continue
> to exhibit symptoms of depression.
>
> My MIL arrived safely and though I could really do with her having a bit
> more initiative, it has been helpful, though it does seem to end up with
> her having fun with the kids, whilst I do chores! At least it makes it a
> lot easier to get to appointments, of which there are many!
>
> I've been trying to do some reading and I hope as I get through that
> I'll have a clearer vision about what is depression and what isn't.
> There is some really painful stuff in my past that I've hidden not dealt
> with.
>
> The friend that I'd been having trouble with seemed to experience a real
> change during church yesterday, she was crying through worship and her
> husband was comforting her, I was in turmoil, was something I was
> currently doing causing it, or was I being self centered thinking it was
> something to do with me, anyway as the kids left for their program, she
> turned and hugged me really tight, whether it was something else and she
> decided she needed my comfort, or whether she was upset for me I don't
> know, but it's definitely a change as she later asked me to meet up for
> a coffee this week, we did that this morning and she's obviously been
> thinking a lot about me and is desparately concerned for me spiritually.
>
> It was hard to hear her say that she thinks I've been in a pit for a
> long time. I just started reading "Get Out of that Pit" by Beth Moore
> and was coming to the opposite conclusion, which is why I need a friend
> like her to point out things she knows about my past. Because we moved
> from the UK to the US a little under 3 years ago, her family are the
> only people that have known us any longer than that as rather randomly
> they lived in the UK (they are American) and then moved to the same area
> as we did, but for different reasons.
>
> It's still going to be a long road ahead, figuring out what is
> spiritual, what is depression and what is my past and what not. But I
> feel in a much better place to be dealing with that now than even last
> week. Though I'd find it even better if I weren't so exhausted.
>
> My parents continue to ignore that anything is happening, and
> unfortunately I discovered last week that some of their treatment of me
> whilst growing up can't just be dismissed as a style of parenting, but a
> type of neglect verging on abuse, now I realise that, I can see how it
> has effected my sister too and I have to figure out how to forgive them
> and to continue forgiving them.
>
> Cheers
> Anne
Thanks for the update. I hope the improvments continue.
Maureen
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Posted by Idahoqltr on September 22, 2009, 10:43 am
I started this journey you are on about 30 years ago. Besides meds,
counseling and help from others my favorite tool is a book called
Feeling Good by David Burns. It can help you work through some of the
problems depression causes like do-nothingism, verbal judo, approval
addiction, ...
I wish you the best. It is something I still have to work on every
few years, besides always taking meds. I empathize.
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Posted by Edna Pearl on September 22, 2009, 2:17 pm
Anne, FWIW, I'm so grateful that I had nightmares for so long about my
parents after their deaths, and I'm so glad they are OVER. I had to work
through the anger and pain; I couldn't sneak around it. It was a matter of
time, patience, subconscious processing (like my nightmares), and talking
therapy.
Talking therapy is really kind of a luxury and is not necessarily required
for any given episode of depression. And it's hard to find a good
psychologist. I say this because I don't want to sound like I'm saying that
you have to follow any given route through therapy or dreaming to reach your
personal comfort level. We all have to find our way through our own
personal mazes.
Given that your body chemistry is probably going through major changes, too,
you would probably get a lot of relief from the right anti-depressant
prescribed by a doctor. The pills can "raise the bottom" of your emotional
pain, so your emotions don't go as low. There have been times in my life
when I have needed this kind of chemical support. The pills stopped my
emotional house from burning down, so I could go ahead and do some emotional
cleaning and redecorating.
I found that forgiving was mostly a matter of decision; I decided I didn't
want the negativity to be living in my head rent-free. I found that I had
to get a pretty good understanding of WHAT I was forgiving before I could
effectively forgive it, so later things and events and pains wouldn't keep
popping up in my head. I had to decide to revisit and articulate the
sources of my pain, look at my own emotional reaction to it (which is where
the pain really comes from -- from inside ourselves), and forgive MYSELF as
well as the people who had previously contributed to my emotional damage.
It's all process, not an event. And it's been harder for me to deal with my
feelings for my sister, who is still living, because she continually
contrives ways to spite me, despite the fact that I don't even talk to her
(none of the family does except my sister-in-law, the eternal peacemaker).
I try to forgive the past, experience her continuing antics, and move on
with the forgiveness to at least the point where *her* negativity is not
wasting *my* emotional space. I'm not striving for saintlike forgiveness
(yet :-) -- I'm just trying to take care of myself, as a first priority.
FWIW, YMMV. I hope you get to feeling better soon.
ep
show/hide quoted text
>I know you guys want to know how I'm doing and now seems to be a good time
>to update.
> Fortunately after my really low mood of last Monday and Tuesday, things
> have started to look up a bit, my mood is more stable, though I continue
> to exhibit symptoms of depression.
> My MIL arrived safely and though I could really do with her having a bit
> more initiative, it has been helpful, though it does seem to end up with
> her having fun with the kids, whilst I do chores! At least it makes it a
> lot easier to get to appointments, of which there are many!
> I've been trying to do some reading and I hope as I get through that I'll
> have a clearer vision about what is depression and what isn't. There is
> some really painful stuff in my past that I've hidden not dealt with.
> The friend that I'd been having trouble with seemed to experience a real
> change during church yesterday, she was crying through worship and her
> husband was comforting her, I was in turmoil, was something I was
> currently doing causing it, or was I being self centered thinking it was
> something to do with me, anyway as the kids left for their program, she
> turned and hugged me really tight, whether it was something else and she
> decided she needed my comfort, or whether she was upset for me I don't
> know, but it's definitely a change as she later asked me to meet up for a
> coffee this week, we did that this morning and she's obviously been
> thinking a lot about me and is desparately concerned for me spiritually.
> It was hard to hear her say that she thinks I've been in a pit for a long
> time. I just started reading "Get Out of that Pit" by Beth Moore and was
> coming to the opposite conclusion, which is why I need a friend like her
> to point out things she knows about my past. Because we moved from the UK
> to the US a little under 3 years ago, her family are the only people that
> have known us any longer than that as rather randomly they lived in the UK
> (they are American) and then moved to the same area as we did, but for
> different reasons.
> It's still going to be a long road ahead, figuring out what is spiritual,
> what is depression and what is my past and what not. But I feel in a much
> better place to be dealing with that now than even last week. Though I'd
> find it even better if I weren't so exhausted.
> My parents continue to ignore that anything is happening, and
> unfortunately I discovered last week that some of their treatment of me
> whilst growing up can't just be dismissed as a style of parenting, but a
> type of neglect verging on abuse, now I realise that, I can see how it has
> effected my sister too and I have to figure out how to forgive them and to
> continue forgiving them.
> Cheers
> Anne
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Posted by Michelle C. on September 24, 2009, 9:50 pm
Anne Rogers wrote:
show/hide quoted text
> I know you guys want to know how I'm doing and now seems to be a good
> time to update.
>
> Fortunately after my really low mood of last Monday and Tuesday, things
> have started to look up a bit, my mood is more stable, though I continue
> to exhibit symptoms of depression.
>
> My MIL arrived safely and though I could really do with her having a bit
> more initiative, it has been helpful, though it does seem to end up with
> her having fun with the kids, whilst I do chores! At least it makes it a
> lot easier to get to appointments, of which there are many!
>
> I've been trying to do some reading and I hope as I get through that
> I'll have a clearer vision about what is depression and what isn't.
> There is some really painful stuff in my past that I've hidden not dealt
> with.
>
> The friend that I'd been having trouble with seemed to experience a real
> change during church yesterday, she was crying through worship and her
> husband was comforting her, I was in turmoil, was something I was
> currently doing causing it, or was I being self centered thinking it was
> something to do with me, anyway as the kids left for their program, she
> turned and hugged me really tight, whether it was something else and she
> decided she needed my comfort, or whether she was upset for me I don't
> know, but it's definitely a change as she later asked me to meet up for
> a coffee this week, we did that this morning and she's obviously been
> thinking a lot about me and is desparately concerned for me spiritually.
>
> It was hard to hear her say that she thinks I've been in a pit for a
> long time. I just started reading "Get Out of that Pit" by Beth Moore
> and was coming to the opposite conclusion, which is why I need a friend
> like her to point out things she knows about my past. Because we moved
> from the UK to the US a little under 3 years ago, her family are the
> only people that have known us any longer than that as rather randomly
> they lived in the UK (they are American) and then moved to the same area
> as we did, but for different reasons.
>
> It's still going to be a long road ahead, figuring out what is
> spiritual, what is depression and what is my past and what not. But I
> feel in a much better place to be dealing with that now than even last
> week. Though I'd find it even better if I weren't so exhausted.
>
> My parents continue to ignore that anything is happening, and
> unfortunately I discovered last week that some of their treatment of me
> whilst growing up can't just be dismissed as a style of parenting, but a
> type of neglect verging on abuse, now I realise that, I can see how it
> has effected my sister too and I have to figure out how to forgive them
> and to continue forgiving them.
>
> Cheers
> Anne
Anne,
While you still have much to sort through, and it will take time, I am
heartened to hear that things are looking up, and you are on the path to
figuring these various issues out.
So glad your friend has had a change of heart. I have a feeling her
earlier behavior was an inappropriate way of dealing with her concern
for you.
Also glad to hear that your MIL is a help--even if she is the one
entertaining the kids.
Hugs,
Michelle in Nevada
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> time to update.
>
> Fortunately after my really low mood of last Monday and Tuesday, things
> have started to look up a bit, my mood is more stable, though I continue
> to exhibit symptoms of depression.